Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The underwear bomber really ruined trenchcoat-sexy for the rest of us

This was a text I got back from my friend Kat as I was anxiously awaiting my husband's plane to land. Texting in an awkward situation, of this I was guilty last night. It seemed like such a good idea before I left my house. I would pick up my husband wearing lingerie, a trench coat and a smile. This was a well thought out plan mind you, I had a lengthy conversation with my inner dialogue.

Inner Dialogue: Hey I have a great idea for you

Me: Do Tell

ID: Well remember that Valentine's Day '02 when you showed up at our pre-husband's house with nothing but a trench coat and how much he liked that?

M: surely you can't be suggesting....don't be a dirty pig...

ID: Oh I am. He has had a bad day, he deserves this. It will be just like that, but at the airport. Please, no one will be at the airport at 11:30 at night on a Tuesday, and definitely not anyone you know at least, it will be just like showing up at the door. Besides, it is chilly out, no one will be suspicious of a trench coat. This is the best idea we have ever had, it is going to go so well.

Something my ID and I didn't take in to account was that they started handing out X-Ray glasses in lieu of peanuts at the airport now. I stepped out of my car and the maintenance guys working on the elevator knew, the security guard at the airport knew, the families just arriving to take their children to Disney World for the week knew....I am a dirty pig, or maybe a terrorist, could go either way. It was hard to tell if in my get up I looked more sexual or suspicious. There were 100+ people waiting at the gate when me and my 4 inch heels made it over there. I checked to make sure my coat wasn't tucked into the back of my stockings at least 16 times-- why else would everyone be standing a little too close to me, the airport security guy circle me twice before going to a corner to talk into his walkie talkie? Why else? I was texting in this awkward situation, trying to not look suspicious, which made me more suspicious. Is it a crime to be naked in the airport under a coat? I have a coat on, I am no more naked than anyone else, my underwear is not their buisness right? Can I get ejected from the airport for this? Detained? Least of my worries now because I just spotted a client, and he is making his way in my direction, going in for the hug? A HUG? NO PLEASE NOT A HUG! OK the hug is over, now stop looking at me, yes it is weird we bumped into each other here, I assure you not as weird for you as it is for me, but yes weird let's get off it, we are bumping into each other in the airport of our home city, not Japan, it's not THAT weird.


Inner Dialogue: who knew you would bump into someone you knew, this isn't my fault.

By the time my husband met me, he couldn't enjoy what I had to offer, I was red and ready to bolt for the door.

Inner Dialogue: I warned you.