Iberia Airlines: Thanks, but no thanks

What is there to be said about Iberia airlines? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so that should cut this post down substantially:

I am all for airlines keeping prices down on tickets, but unless Iberia only plans to sell tickets to double amputees in the future, this lack of legroom is unacceptable. I am 5'2 in heels, I usually enjoy showing off the amount of legroom I am afforded in an airline seat, but on Iberia, not just my 6'2 husband's knees were up by his chest.

The seats built by contortionists for contortionists were not the only form of sadomasochism, but I didn't accept the slop tray they put in front of me so I can't provide you with photographic evidence.

Bottom line, Iberia Airlines is showing the cheapest option for your flight? Don't bother.

Weekly Obsession: Pinterest

Helping a friend plan her wedding is difficult.  Helping a friend plan her wedding from 5665.32 miles away is damn near impossible. Well it would have been impossible prior to Al Gore inventing the internet (insert snicker snicker here). Now there are fabulous sites such as Pinterest that are making this a nearly do-able task.



Pinterest is a database of visual bookmarks. How many times have you been  wasting time  spending a productive day browsing the internet and come across a recipe, or an outfit, or an idea for your apartment, and thought I need to remember this. If you are like me, then you add the link to the bottomless pit that is your bookmark list, never to be remembered or looked at again. Pinterest has been a huge timesaver for me. I don't spend a ton of time re-looking for things that I swear I saw before, or maybe I just had a dream about it? Damn someone should really make that. There is a "Pin It" button that can be installed on your web browser and then while browsing the internet, when you come across that tattooed-stuffed-merman that you absolutely have to remember for a gag list, you can pin-it, put it on your "things that make you go ha-ha" board (not a standard board, one I renamed myself...you can copy) and you can later see it all in one place.

As maybe you have gleened by now, I am not an organized person. I know, I know, shocking. So for me, Pinterest has been helpful when I am looking to help my friend plan her wedding. We have an 8 hour time difference between us, so when I am doing the majority of my online browsing, she is asleep, and vice versa-- but now I can do all of the browsing I want, label things as potential bouquets, bridesmaid dresses, grooms outfits, Pin them, and she can view them all in one place (rather than waking up to 10 disconjointed email streams of thought that can be easily misfiled or deleted) she can also comment on them, pick what she likes, and repin them to her board. This has been a helpful communication tool for us. There are so many uses for Pinterest, that I know the potential has barely been tapped. Are you going to begin pinning?

An Open Letter to My Still Unadopted Ethiopian Child

Dear Marvin "Click-Click" :

How are you? I am well. I am going to get straight to the point here. I know you appreciate directness, otherwise why would you be starring in all of those TV commercials? I mean, I suppose the money may be good, but they have bad time slots so I can't imagine you are really raking it in over there. Anyway, so as you have probably already guessed, I will not be adopting you this month. You see, we just spent a month in the South of France, so adopting you doesn't seem like it would be a responsible decision on my part at the moment. And you know what they say, the only thing worse than no mother is an irresponsible one. Have you ever heard of that saying? I may have just made it up, but it really resonates with me.

Also, on your commercial I saw that I also have the option of sending you like 10 bucks a month and that you could eat on that for the month. But here is the thing, I don't know if anyone is going to send money to your friends and I know how important relationships are, trust me, I have had not much luck in the friend department since moving to Russia, and I wouldn't want your friends to get jealous of you eating whatever it is you eat in front of them and not want to hang with you anymore, because let's be honest here, your life already doesn't sound like a bowl of cherries. Marvin, have you ever had cherries? Very good fruit. If we ever work this thing out I'll let you try them. Who am I kidding? That is not really the reason I couldn't send you the 10 bucks. One reason is I couldn't stand the idea of my dogs not going to France with us, and it is no cheap endeavor flying two dogs around Europe. Do you have any pets? If you do, then you are really lucky you don't ever really go anywhere and don't have to deal with the dilemma of what to do with them. Sometimes, Marvin, I really envy you.

Here is Abby on the plane. She is especially a pain in the ass, as she eats about 10KG of food (at LEAST a month) that is probably way more than you, Click, and I really wish we could swap you guys out.

This is Jeff, he really hates kids, another hurdle for you. 

While we were in France, a friend of ours stayed in our apartment, and drank almost all of our Illy Espresso. That is about $35 a can. She didn't replace it or mention it and I am really peeved. I am in an awkward spot because I'm not sure if I should say something or not.  What would you do in this situation? See what I mean? You don't have any stuff so you don't have to worry about these barriers or awkward moments in your friendships. You lucky devil you.

So another thing about your 10 bucks, the food and wine in France was really incredible. We had muscles by the shore almost every night, because it isn't like we can just order up a bowl of fresh muscles in Moscow, you know? They'd be gross, totally not fresh. I am sure you know how gross out of season not fresh food can be.

Here are some pictures so you can see what I am talking about:

of course I was thinking about you when I was drinking this

Was for sure thinking about you during this meal because we couldn't finish it all and I thought, hey Marvin Click Click would love this but it was a holiday in France and the post office was closed sooo...

I am glad I took these pictures so you don't think I am making it up, Click, I really would feel bad if I thought you thought poorly of me. We don't all have your willpower when it comes to food. I know you said in your last letter you went 2 weeks without eating, and if I had that willpower, wow, where would I be? You know?

If you had the option of staying in Ethiopia or spending a month in Toulon, France -- what would you choose? Now you see where I am coming from. No brainer right. I have said it before and I will say it again, I hope you realize how lucky you are for not having to make these important decisions.

Here are some more pictures to help you understand why France was the best decision for all of us:

Another thing dude, sunscreen in Europe? Really expensive (and not even that good in my opinion) and that is another reason you are lucky, with your dark tan you don't really need to worry about sunscreen. Yeah, I already put that under the pro's list about adopting you, don't worry.

Ok well I have to go, my housekeeper is finally leaving so I don't have to awkwardly pretend to be doing something important anymore.

Keep your fingers crossed about next month, but also keep your options open, if you find a better prospect, I won't be offended. I still see your commercials on TV you sly little devil.

Later Gator,

Robin

The Goat Might Eat the Cabbage

Packing for our summer trip to France is like the riddle about getting the goat, cabbage, and tiger across the river in your canoe without losing any of them.

These items all need to make it to France with us:


An abnormally large dog to support our pity addiction,



This adorable nugget to support my love of all things adorable addiction,





An abnormally large bike case to support my Husband's cycling addiction,

 Also traveling with us will be a suitcase most likely toe-ing the line of allowable weight due to my over packing and hair appliance addiction.

To say the airport system in Moscow to inconsistent would be a gross understatement. We are traveling on a russian airline, Aeroflot, and a Polish airline, LOT. I have made flash cards and studied their baggage policies (highlighting and doing suicide drills over the special item and pet section), called numerous times, written notes in English and in Russian, and still I am worried about being turned away at the airport. This is not unrealistic anxiety on my part, it is a real concern. The printed information on their websites will mean nothing in the face of an airline employee who just feels like "no" or "give me more money" is an appropriate response of the day.



They Got Me Wet: Thais Gone Wild

The week we spent in Thailand happened to interupt Thai New Year which is celebrated with Songkran, a water festival in the streets. Our first night, celebrated in Patong, a tailor who was making suits for my husband warned us that nothin would be open in the city during Songkran. This turned out to be a sales ploy, which worked, but Songkran was very real. The tailor, as a special favor to us because of course he would not otherwise be open on the Tuesday of Songkran, later opened the shop for us so my husband could have a final fitting. So, we traveled to Patong planning to also squeeze in some temple tours, and maybe visit The Great Buddha of Thailand.

These plans were doomed. As soon as I got out of the taxi, already cranky from a hangover trying to seep it's way in and a lack of breakfast, I got sprayed by a water gun to the eye. What the hell?

Terrorists! We are under attack! I've seen Hostile! (Ok, well I haven't seen Hostile, I self-imposed a ban on all scary movies since seeing The Ring and The Grudge. I learn my lessons. But because of my overseas traveling, enough people have told me about Hostile to make me feel as though I have seen it. So I have seen it, thanks for the latitude you guys.)

Ok, maybe not terrorists, just a wayward child, I think as we turn the corner to the main road. I am now hit in the purse and back by a super-soaker. Amoeba laced water is now dousing my underwear. When the tailor is in our sites, I am stopped by a man holding a bucket of water, he keeps with my pace, his intentions clear. I plead. No use. He tells me in english to hold still it will hurt less. Rape? No, dumping the entire bucket of water over my head.

Now I can't go to the tailors. I sit and wait at an outside bar drinking a San Miguel (seems to be an equivalent to a Corona) with salt and lime.

I change in to my bathing suit and cover-up. I was going to have no fun unless I had retaliation at the end of my trigger finger. We bought two super-soakers, for around 15 bucks and joined them. Now I get it. This is an anarchist video game, 4d.

We wandered around, making anyone dry our target. We got desperate and down to the people with dry spots. We exchanged shots with people across the street. Laughed at babies shooting babies. We drank beer. We sat on curbs and targeted mopeds with a group of men on Holiday from Australia. We bought dry clothes and stored them in ziploc bags. I thought this is great, because once you are wet you can only get so wet.

Then they brought out the mentholated talcum powder. Mentholated Talc burns.

Editorial note: This is NOT a romper, just an accident of shadows. I do not wear rompers. 

The next day, having no more use for the super soakers, we found children at the resort and gave them the guns. We did not give their older siblings guns. Hope their parents had fun with that one.

Every Body Loves Raymond? Russians Find This Funny...Not At All

Qatar Airlines is to 5 Star Airlines like Chili's is to 5 Star Dining: The Disillusionment Story



I was so excited to fly on Qatar Airlines on my recent trip from Moscow to Thailand. This was my first experience on a 5-star airline, and I was looking forward to a yoga session in my chair, lobster served on an airline tray, neck massages in my chair, on-deman live Vince Vaughn entetainment (don't you judge me).

I should have known as soon as I saw a flight attendant wearing a scrunchie and a bun (two of the worst hair don'ts of our time, save, you are a ballerina or were recently thawed from a block of ice and displaced from your era of 1992). Scrunchies may be able to predict impending doom. This is my opinion, not scientific fact. If you ever walk into a party and see a girl wearing a scrunchie, just leave, it isn't worth your time or the hangover from the alcohol you will have to drink to salvage a good time.

There was no bottle of water awaiting me on at my in-flight cabana. In fact, imagine my surprise, when my in-flight cabana is actually just a polyester-I-have-say-in-one-of-these-on-every-flight-I've-ever-taken normal airline seat.  No cabana boy either?



This was NOT my seat



The seats weren't even as spacious as Finn-Air, my favorite airline, who does not have a 5-star rating.

I ordered a vegetarian meal, as I always do on airlines, despite not being a vegetarian. The meals are usually better and fresher. They messed this up, they did not have any vegetarian meals left, and would I mind having a meat meal and just eating around the meat? If I were a real vegetarian this would have upset me, however, since I am not I OK'd the meat meal and thought it may actually be good since it is being served on a 5-star airline who boasts about their cuisine on their website. I got a tray full of pureed slop, as did everyone around me. My Grandmother used to often enjoy telling the story of a time she was royally angry at my Grandfather and tricked him into eating dog food. This meal was reminiscent of the mental image her story always conjured up for me. Poor Grandpa.

My meal came with a ho-ho. I had Xanax for dessert instead.

I woke up a few hours later to a microwaved burrito on my tray. The expiration date was 4 years from now. No real food should be good that long. This burrito wasn't even GOOD now. Bleh.

I made it to Thailand sore, hungry, and dehydrated.

On my return flight, my husband and I were separated by an very...fragrant man who stole my headphones while I was in in the restroom. The food was no better and I spend 10 of the hours being kicked in the back of my seat by a Russian boy whose father gave me the apologetic "He is kid, what do you want" shrug when I asked the kid to stop kicking me. The flight attendant did not answer my urgent button pushings.

I will not say QATAR airlines is a bad airline. They are OKAY. That is it, they are just okay. I would have enjoyed flying with them perhaps if my expectations weren't so high based on their website and advertisements. Don't advertise you are 5-star when you are not.

I mean afterall, their beverage cart did provide Vodka, at no additional charge.

Has anyone else been less than dazzled by QATAR? Have any other airlines impressed you?

Thai-One-On: The Food in Thailand

This will be the first of several Thailand posts. I first need to admit that I actually saw very little of actual Thailand. We stayed at the JW Marriott Resort, in Phuket, about 45 minutes north of Patong (a main town in Phuket). We only ventured out of the resort two or three times in town. The first night, which is a total blur (pictures and stories to come on that), a day for the water festival and to attend a cooking class I had booked, and then we went to Phuket Town to experience the night market. The JW Marriott in Phuket is an amazing self-contained resort with access to a private beach, 7 restaurants, daily activities, 4 pools, gorgeous spacious rooms, and amazing views. This was quite the change from our usual "roughing it" vacations.

I was very excited about Thai Food, as I love Thai Food in North America. I was a little concerned, after my disappointment in the Greek Food in Greece. Every meal I had became my new favorite and I became a hog who could only fantasize about my next rendezvous with a new Thai Dish. Total food whore, I am one. I may have come home with a new tattoo stating "PadThai4Life".

Thai Iced Tea- My day couldn't start or end without a nice icey class of this tea. I would throw a mental toddler-like fit if it looked like this wasn't happening. I am very disappointed in my behavior, but one glass of this and you will understand. I ended up having the kitchen staff at the resort sell me an industrial size bag of the tea leaves to take home (which was only about $10!). Basically it is a strong mixture of black tea, star anise, tamarind, sweetened with sugar, and topped with evaporated milk. I am now armed with the big bag of tea and a recipe. Now I only need to find a tea strainer, a pitcher, and condensed milk. Should be no problem right? Ha. I live in Moscow, land of never finding anything you need when you need it. My love will persevere.

Vodka Red Bull Bucket- I do not believe this drink originates in Thailand, but I need to issue a warning that it is served up quickly and cheaply in Patong. You are given two options while walking down the street, Red Bull/Vodka bucket or Ping-Pong show. This is a dirty trick on their part, because you can't tell me that they don't realize that after enough of these buckets you will end up at a Ping Pong Show. Or you may end up like this:

You need to be warned about both.

BBQ Pork Ramen- This was not the Ramen of my college days. I was a college-level-hangover that day and would have been opened to the hungover eating of the hard dry brick of ramen, but luckily for me, that wasn't an option, and I was served of this bowl of delicious-ness. It was a meaty broth, with curly ramen noodles, all sorts of strange mushrooms, bok choy, tofu, and topped with BBQ pork. I could eat this daily.

Phuket Town Night Market

On the word of Happy Hour waitress at the hotel, we cabbed over to the Phuket Town Night Market on Sunday night (about 30-40 minutes from out hotel). There wasn't too much I was interested in buying, which was a big disappointment  on my behalf, there also wasn't much I was interested in eating, because I am not Anthony Zimmerman and I do not risk eating balls. Ever. There was a lot of food and culture buzzing around, however, and I was very interested to see that.

I think this is the food interpretation of Ursula from Disney's The Little Mermaid. I can't be sure though, because I didn't really know the Thai people really were so into the Little Mermaid.

No idea what sort of eggs they are or why you would eat so many of them. I didn't plan for a Thai-Hospital trip though, and learned my lesson in Panama about ruining my life with street food, so I abstained.

Nothing overtly gross here, but really, what natural food have you ever seen these colors?

This adorable little pusher couldn't tell me what food that is on the stick either. I didn't see him eat one.

I used to see these Horse-Shoe crabs wash up on the beach in Florida. Never knew they were edible. Still not convinced of this.

These next couple pictures, the same rules apply as for swimming, do not look at them if you have eaten within the past hour or are currently eating. Or really do whatever you want, I assume you are an adult.

These are pictures of things I used to call Terminix about when I lived in Florida. Here at the market, it was toough to get a picture because the tray kept emptying. I was getting elbowed out of the way while taking these pictures, because people were concerned they'd miss their portion or crickets and larva. Add this to the list, right under balls, of things I am worried I will accidently eat.

Pum's Thai Cooking School

We did our first cooking school while we were in Budapest and enjoyed it so much that I booked one for our Thailand trip. Based on TripAdvisor reviews, we picked Pum's. Absolutely great experience. Everyone at the school was so friendly, the cooking was fun and the eating was better. The school also let us come early for our 6pm class and leave our stuff locked up so we could walk around Patong unencumbered. We only did the Mini-Me class which allowed us each to choose 2 dishes to cook and go home with a cookbook. Because we had a group of 4, we were able to have a private class, which was a big improvement over our Budapest class which was infiltrated by American sneaker-wearing tourists who told us that night before they said "oh fuck it, we are going to Burger King".

Fresh ingredients used at the school.

I am a total mess. Why am I slouching like this? Who knows. Buzzed cooking at its finest. This is a big step up from the mess I was searching for an hour for the spa I had told our friends we would meet them at for our 4pm appointments.

 Ignore my hair in these pictures; I will explain later what the deal is with the white powder. 

Beach Shack Food

Down the beach from our hotel was a beach shack that offered plastic table sea-side dining and 1 hour massages for under $15USD. The food was fantastic, despite me never once getting what I actually ordered. This seemed to be a problem only I was having, so I am not sure where the breakdown was, but I liked everything I had, and for $3 a dish, who could complain?

I ordered Green Curry and this seemed to be a Sweet and Sour Prawn dish, that I can't wait to try and replicate in my kitchen.

 I ordered Pad Thai and ended up with a vegetable soup with strange mushrooms. I think this shack cook knows me better than I know myself, because I loved this soup.

Resort Food

I didn't take a lot of resort food pictures, due to being too hungry or too many Pina Coladas in by the time we ate to take many. But I do have this. One resort dinner, my husband ordered shrimp and soup and then liked to spend the rest of the night saying he was still hungry because after all he "only had a shrimp for dinner". Does this look like any shrimp you have ever seen?

Shrimp Before

Shrimp After



I enjoyed ending every beach day with a fresh Pina Colada by the pool, overlooking the beach. Life couldn't get better than this. Well maybe if I had bothered to ever blow dry my hair or put makeup on. But you know, other than that.