Tuesday, July 19, 2011

An Open Letter to My Still Unadopted Ethiopian Child

Dear Marvin "Click-Click" :

How are you? I am well. I am going to get straight to the point here. I know you appreciate directness, otherwise why would you be starring in all of those TV commercials? I mean, I suppose the money may be good, but they have bad time slots so I can't imagine you are really raking it in over there. Anyway, so as you have probably already guessed, I will not be adopting you this month. You see, we just spent a month in the South of France, so adopting you doesn't seem like it would be a responsible decision on my part at the moment. And you know what they say, the only thing worse than no mother is an irresponsible one. Have you ever heard of that saying? I may have just made it up, but it really resonates with me.

Also, on your commercial I saw that I also have the option of sending you like 10 bucks a month and that you could eat on that for the month. But here is the thing, I don't know if anyone is going to send money to your friends and I know how important relationships are, trust me, I have had not much luck in the friend department since moving to Russia, and I wouldn't want your friends to get jealous of you eating whatever it is you eat in front of them and not want to hang with you anymore, because let's be honest here, your life already doesn't sound like a bowl of cherries. Marvin, have you ever had cherries? Very good fruit. If we ever work this thing out I'll let you try them. Who am I kidding? That is not really the reason I couldn't send you the 10 bucks. One reason is I couldn't stand the idea of my dogs not going to France with us, and it is no cheap endeavor flying two dogs around Europe. Do you have any pets? If you do, then you are really lucky you don't ever really go anywhere and don't have to deal with the dilemma of what to do with them. Sometimes, Marvin, I really envy you.

Here is Abby on the plane. She is especially a pain in the ass, as she eats about 10KG of food (at LEAST a month) that is probably way more than you, Click, and I really wish we could swap you guys out.

This is Jeff, he really hates kids, another hurdle for you. 

While we were in France, a friend of ours stayed in our apartment, and drank almost all of our Illy Espresso. That is about $35 a can. She didn't replace it or mention it and I am really peeved. I am in an awkward spot because I'm not sure if I should say something or not.  What would you do in this situation? See what I mean? You don't have any stuff so you don't have to worry about these barriers or awkward moments in your friendships. You lucky devil you.

So another thing about your 10 bucks, the food and wine in France was really incredible. We had muscles by the shore almost every night, because it isn't like we can just order up a bowl of fresh muscles in Moscow, you know? They'd be gross, totally not fresh. I am sure you know how gross out of season not fresh food can be.

Here are some pictures so you can see what I am talking about:

of course I was thinking about you when I was drinking this

Was for sure thinking about you during this meal because we couldn't finish it all and I thought, hey Marvin Click Click would love this but it was a holiday in France and the post office was closed sooo...

I am glad I took these pictures so you don't think I am making it up, Click, I really would feel bad if I thought you thought poorly of me. We don't all have your willpower when it comes to food. I know you said in your last letter you went 2 weeks without eating, and if I had that willpower, wow, where would I be? You know?

If you had the option of staying in Ethiopia or spending a month in Toulon, France -- what would you choose? Now you see where I am coming from. No brainer right. I have said it before and I will say it again, I hope you realize how lucky you are for not having to make these important decisions.

Here are some more pictures to help you understand why France was the best decision for all of us:

Another thing dude, sunscreen in Europe? Really expensive (and not even that good in my opinion) and that is another reason you are lucky, with your dark tan you don't really need to worry about sunscreen. Yeah, I already put that under the pro's list about adopting you, don't worry.

Ok well I have to go, my housekeeper is finally leaving so I don't have to awkwardly pretend to be doing something important anymore.

Keep your fingers crossed about next month, but also keep your options open, if you find a better prospect, I won't be offended. I still see your commercials on TV you sly little devil.

Later Gator,



  1. So wrong. So funny. And the photos of your trip - everything looks amazing! I'd like one of those cheese platters and a field of lavender in which to eat it, please.

    Also, what airline lets Weimaraners travel in the cabin?!

  2. "Ok well I have to go, my housekeeper is finally leaving so I don't have to awkwardly pretend to be doing something important anymore."

    OMG. Love. You.

    I do that too. So glad you cop to it.

    Also, you're starting to look more Russian. In a good way. I feel like I want to discover you and sell you to the Prada runways for a million dollars.

    PS. What Emily said. How in the world is that dog in the cabin?!?

  3. Emily Thanks- OMG the cheese, I could die happy with a mouthful of that cheese.

    @Kyle -- thanks so much. MY husband has no problem hanging out with the housekeeper is here. I find it incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Thanks for the Russian compliment-- the Russian women are gorgeous. I am only 5'2 thought and one prada pant leg would be taller than my entire body.

    About Weim's in the cabin-- Abby is a trained service dog and has her papers and degree and what not so she is allowed to fly in the cabin once you explain (8,000 times) to Russians what a service dog is.